Website Wednesday

Happy Wednesday everyone!

 With trying to blog more I thought I would for sure partake in "Wordless Wednesday."  I had a plan and everything.   However, with the release of my soon to be favorite place to online shop I couldn't help but switch it up a bit.  So I thought I would share a website instead of being wordless. 

My friend Cherise over at DCAF (Diabetes Community Advocacy Foundation) released an online t-shirt shop for the Blue Friday's initiative.  You can find out more about Blue Friday's over at www.diabetescaf.org and you can participate in the awareness of diabetes by picking up your shirt at www.dcaf.spreadshirt.com

I cannot wait to pick up mine and share a "selfie" (in which I never take) for my next "wordless Wednesday" post!!!

Happy Wednesday everyone!  Hope to see you for #DSMA Twitter chat tonight at 9p.m.  This is me reminding myself so I don't forget. Again. Support is key and I need it!

Burned out...still.

So it's the same old thing. 

I wake up, get ready for work, (I run an at home daycare) greet the children, make them breakfast, put on a pot of coffee and start the day.  By the time I decide to take a moment for me and check my blood sugar, it's already 9 a.m..  Now my blood sugar is already in the high 100's or 200's and I'm annoyed. Why didn't I check first thing when I woke up?   Why didn't I make it a priority?  Why isn't it already a part of my morning routine? Makes the most sense don't you think?  For some unknown reason I just cannot seem to make diabetes a priority first thing in the morning. It's not like its new and I'm just figuring things out. I've been diagnosed for over 10 years!  I often think that if I just checked first thing I could manage that sneaky morning high and start my day off right. Why is it so hard to make that morning adjustment?  Well, I'm not really a morning person and I know that's not really an excuse. 

I've been experiencing what some call "diabetes burnout."

I'm bored, I'm annoyed and I don't really care. Not today, not yesterday and probably not tomorrow. 

How long does burnout last?  I feel like the last year of my life has been a series of "I'll get on track tomorrow" and then I never do.  With an upcoming endo appointment on the way, I'm hopeful that I will be motivated again but I'm just terrified to go in and have to explain myself and the lack of care I've been giving to me.  I need to own what I am doing to my body. It isn't good. I don't really want to say out loud that I don't care today.  It's embarrassing.  I feel like I am going to enter that room with a load of attitude and that's not really how I like to do things.  I was on track once, and I did really well. I had motivation, a goal and now that that goal is off the table I'm not as motivated.  

Maybe trying to have a baby for almost 10 years and giving up isn't helping my motivation.  This must be my unknown reason for burnout. 

How do I find the strength to put myself first instead of the wish of having a baby?

Without the goal, I'm finding that it doesn't really matter if I waited too long to check my blood sugar in the morning. Or if I bothered to check at all.  The reason I was doing it isn't there anymore so what's the point?  Now I know that I need to put myself first, everyone should. The problem is I just don't know how to do it.  How do you move on and find another goal?  How do I get out of this funk? 

Last year I started this blog with the hopes that I would find some motivation and support. I am revisiting the blog world and my support from the DOC.  Here's hoping I can stick to it because I'm tired of the burnout.  I need something good...

and I wish I could have a vacation to think it all over. 

Never quit quitting

November is Diabetes awareness month.

I thought maybe this would be a good time to try and restart or continue writing my blog.  Never quit quitting right?

I often need to tell myself to never give up.  Keep going.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Don't look back, look ahead.  I've been trying to be a cheerleader to myself for a few weeks now.  I believe I've had a bit of diabetes burnout.  My blood sugars haven't been their best, I haven't been testing as often as I should, I haven't been wearing my CGM and going to the gym? Ha!  I also feel like I have not been an active member of the DOC in months.

With a recent visit to the Endo office a few weeks ago I was recently motivated to get back on track.  I've been testing more and taking a less carb approach when I can.  (I do love carbs, but they don't love me back.) I haven't been inclined to wear my CGM yet, but I feel I may need it soon to attack the pesky highs in the morning.  Alas, the gym part...I've attempted to start going back to our local YMCA and with a fresh new membership and all it should be easy and fun right?  However, I find myself being very frustrated and annoyed.  Yesterday I packed the Gatorade, turned off my insulin pump and had my Annie's organic fruit snacks readily available, my 90's pop music channel on Pandora and I was pumped and set to go!!  I get 30 minutes in on a cardio bike and BAM! Blood glucose 54.  WTH?!  I still feel like I have mad skillz and the energy to finish the 60 minute cardio I pumped myself up for, plus, I hadn't heard any TLC yet!   Just 30 minutes in and it feels like a wasted trip to the gym!  I felt so defeated.  I didn't want to go back...ever.  Why bother?

When I arrived home that evening, after a 20 minute fruit snack party in my car, I vented my frustrations to the DOC.  The feedback was that I did more than I gave myself credit for.  I was there, I did what I could and tomorrow is a new day.  I felt a bit more empowered after that.  There are more people out there in the DOC cheering for me and I owe it to myself and to the DOC to try again tomorrow.  I won't give up.  I will never quit quitting.

Thank you DOC, without you I wouldn't be as strong as I am today, even at my weakest I'm stronger than I was before.

Celebrations!

Today I celebrated my 32nd birthday and celebrated successfully completing two challenges.

1. I walked my first official 5k. I came in 55th in my age bracket and over 4,000 people walked/ran. 955 overall. Go me!

2. I completed this walk in 20 degree weather and had NO bg drops. I had ample supplies loaded in my tally gear belt just Incase. That belt is amazing! (www.tallygear.com)

I'm proud of myself. It's not a super huge deal, but it's motivation to walk more and get ready for next year!

I must say, best birthday yet!

Oh, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

48 Things About Me

I learned of 48 questions from the Diabetes Social Media Advocacy.  I follow them on Twitter.  I thought I would give this a whirl in hopes to get myself out into the DOC a bit more.  I am loving the support from everyone.  It helps out so very much.  So, DOC, I thank you.  In keeping with the theme of January's "Getting to Know You" from DSMA...here it goes!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
 --I think so, I recall my mother mentioning that there was a news reporter named "Kassie" and she liked it.  However, my birth name is Kathryn.  Always complicated.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

 --Probably a few weeks ago when I had to leave my husband in CCU after his open heart surgery.  It was hard to have to go home by myself-plus he wasn't awake yet and that was hard.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? 

--Not really, but I change it up a bit depending on my mood.  It's never really the same.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?

 --I don't have a favorite, love them all.  Except roast beef.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

--No, however, we are trying!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?

 --Yes, I feel like I am a pretty good friend.  I'm dependable that's for sure!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
--Yes, but my mother always thinks I'm being mean.  I'm just always messing around.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

--Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

--Absolutely not.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

--That's easy...Captain Crunch with Crunch Berries.  Must have the berries.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?

--No.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

 --Absolutely. 

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

--Scouts Honor.  Mint ice cream with chocolate swirls and big chunks of thin mint cookies.  To. Die. For.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

 --I'm sure it sounds snotty, but I notice how they are put together.  Nothing like meeting someone who looks like a hot mess!

15. RED OR PINK?

 --Pink, all day long!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?

 --I'm a pushover.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?

--A guy friend from high school.  We were BFF's and now we're not.  It's complicated.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?

--Being a better business person.  I am a great daycare provider, but the business end I am lacking for sure. 

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?

--I am wearing camel colored boot slippers.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

--Ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins!  We brought dessert to dinner at a friends house!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?

 --My husband rewinding a commercial he insisted I hear.  Something about hairy legs...I think he is trying to tell me something?

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?

 --Grey.  It's totally my color.  Not a super fun color, but goes with everything.  

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?

--Newborn babies, my husband, garlic and the smell of clean.

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?

 --Not too important.  I don't educate myself as much as I should...my sister in law does it for me!

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?

--Beach house for sure!

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?

--The Real Housewives is a sport right??  I love to watch football for sure!  Friday Night Lights!!

27. HAIR COLOR?

--Blonde forever!

 28. EYE COLOR? 

--Blue, but more like Navy.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?

--No, but I do have glasses for reading and computers.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?

 --Italian and Mexican...it's a toss up!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

--Happy Endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?

 --Right now I am listening to Iron Man 2 with my hub, does that count?

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?

--I am wearing my husbands BROWN hoodie. It's boring yet comfortable.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

--Summer, I live in Michigan!

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?

 --Reeses Peanut Butter Cup?

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?

--Cardio.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?

--I'm a TV junkie. 

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

--The Help

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?

--I don't have a mouse pad.  Laptop.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?

 --Children laughing and then after that...QUIET.  LOL!

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?

--I generally love everything, but I tend to jam more Country than anything.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?

--Probably Mexico for our honeymoon.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?

 --Not that I can think of...

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

--Bay City, Michigan

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?

--Still here, just the other end of town!

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?

 --Yellow and White.  Only because the front has new siding and the rest doesn't.  Siding is expensive.  I wish we could finish what the previous owners started.

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?

 --Red, but I drive my husbands more and his is Grey.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?

--Yes, yes I do!  Thanks Cherise!!

Come and join the fun!!

Diabetes Social Media Advocacy is a program provided by DCAF. #DSMA 

Chat: Wed 9 PM EST 

DSMA Live: Thurs 9 PM EST. 

Creator of the #bluefridays initiative

Indianapolis area · http://www.diabetessocmed.com

Monday Night Raw

I've spent the last few day posting about my story, but today I am just going to worry about today.  I wanted to focus on today because my blood sugars have been on point today!  If my CGM (continuous glucose monitor) was on- today would be considered a "flat line" for sure!  I haven't had a good day like that in a while.  I must have my mo-jo back.  It's been a long few weeks with my husband undergoing open heart surgery, the holidays and work.  All of that combined made it very hard to manage.  I'm feeling more in control and having a good day like today makes it easier to have good vibes for tomorrow.

So tonight as I focus on the good for my day I sit here watching WWE's Monday Night Raw.  It's something my friends and I used to do together in a friends basement before diabetes.  Those are the days I miss for sure...

I don't miss watching wrestling per say, just the memories I have of not having to worry.

However, I nailed it today and I'm proud and not worried about tomorrow.

Now I just can't wait for The Rock to make his appearance.  He was always my favorite. ;-)

A crash course in Needles and Carbs

I remember my first few days as a newly diagnosed diabetic.  I really only remember a few things actually-- learning how to use a syringe for the first time is embedded in my head for life.  It freaked me out to look at one and touching one because I had only associated syringes with drugs (street drugs).  So naturally it scared me.  I was never afraid of needles, but I was afraid of drugs.  Knowing that I had to insert that little silver needle in my stomach or a squishy spot on my body was stressful.  I had to do this myself?  How do I even get brave enough to "just do it?"  Thankfully during this crash course in diabetes I had my Dad.  (Just an FYI, I have the BEST Dad in the universe.  Yours might be awesome too, but mine is just simply the cats meow.)  The nurse handed me a bottle of saline (no need to practice with insulin, didn't want to deal with an overdose!) and a syringe-- she told me to administer the correct dosage.  I have to poke myself with this thing?  I froze and my Dad grabbed it from me and did it himself.  Holy shit!  My Dad just took one for the team!  He said "If I can do it, so can you!"  Well, alrighty then Dad!  I mustered up the strength to push that syringe in my stomach.  I did it!  And you know what?  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I was terrified that this was my new normal, but I'm the type of girl who knows that if it's a necessity than it must be done.  I spent the rest of the afternoon learning about insulin dosages, corrections, highs, lows, carbohydrates, checking blood sugars and keeping track of basically every move I made.

Counting carbohydrates (carbs) was a challenge at first.  I consider myself a pro now.  I can tell you the carbs in most foods without even thinking about it.  I am also a pretty good guesser (is that even a word?) about a lot of carbs that don't come with a nutrition label.  But the first few days I was totally afraid to eat a single carb.  I lived off of vegetables and meat for like a week.  When I went back to see the nurse so she could evaluate my progress she was concerned that I wasn't eating quite right.  Well, I said, carbs make blood sugars go up!  Why on earth would I bother?  Then she said it, what most people don't know..."You can eat whatever you want."  What?  Eat whatever I want?  Well, hell, I want a Big Mac!  Of coarse, that was frowned upon, but the idea of being able to eat whatever I wanted sounded so amazing!  Maybe I will still have that freedom I thought I lost.  As long as I was taking the correct amount of insulin to cover the foods I wanted to eat- food was my friend again.  Thank goodness because I LOVE food!  Of coarse I struggled for a bit, but I sure did get the hang of it in no time.  I still struggle, but now I know which foods to stay away from or have in moderation (like pizza) and I am currently trying to figure out the evil carb known as coffee creamer.  Still working on that one and taking suggestions.

I'm thankful that I had my Dad, I am also thankful for a pretty good team to help me get through the first few days.  Now the hard part...being a teenager and having Type 1 diabetes.  How do I explain this to my friends?  How do I have a social life and still take care of myself?  Nope...it wasn't getting any easier.