Burned out...still.

So it's the same old thing. 

I wake up, get ready for work, (I run an at home daycare) greet the children, make them breakfast, put on a pot of coffee and start the day.  By the time I decide to take a moment for me and check my blood sugar, it's already 9 a.m..  Now my blood sugar is already in the high 100's or 200's and I'm annoyed. Why didn't I check first thing when I woke up?   Why didn't I make it a priority?  Why isn't it already a part of my morning routine? Makes the most sense don't you think?  For some unknown reason I just cannot seem to make diabetes a priority first thing in the morning. It's not like its new and I'm just figuring things out. I've been diagnosed for over 10 years!  I often think that if I just checked first thing I could manage that sneaky morning high and start my day off right. Why is it so hard to make that morning adjustment?  Well, I'm not really a morning person and I know that's not really an excuse. 

I've been experiencing what some call "diabetes burnout."

I'm bored, I'm annoyed and I don't really care. Not today, not yesterday and probably not tomorrow. 

How long does burnout last?  I feel like the last year of my life has been a series of "I'll get on track tomorrow" and then I never do.  With an upcoming endo appointment on the way, I'm hopeful that I will be motivated again but I'm just terrified to go in and have to explain myself and the lack of care I've been giving to me.  I need to own what I am doing to my body. It isn't good. I don't really want to say out loud that I don't care today.  It's embarrassing.  I feel like I am going to enter that room with a load of attitude and that's not really how I like to do things.  I was on track once, and I did really well. I had motivation, a goal and now that that goal is off the table I'm not as motivated.  

Maybe trying to have a baby for almost 10 years and giving up isn't helping my motivation.  This must be my unknown reason for burnout. 

How do I find the strength to put myself first instead of the wish of having a baby?

Without the goal, I'm finding that it doesn't really matter if I waited too long to check my blood sugar in the morning. Or if I bothered to check at all.  The reason I was doing it isn't there anymore so what's the point?  Now I know that I need to put myself first, everyone should. The problem is I just don't know how to do it.  How do you move on and find another goal?  How do I get out of this funk? 

Last year I started this blog with the hopes that I would find some motivation and support. I am revisiting the blog world and my support from the DOC.  Here's hoping I can stick to it because I'm tired of the burnout.  I need something good...

and I wish I could have a vacation to think it all over.